i once was lost but now am found...

A powerful statement. A great line in an old song I love to sing and definitely believe in.
'Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.'

So why is it that most days I still feel lost?

No, not lost like 'going to hell' lost... not like how I used to feel. Actually, honestly, I've never felt like I was 'going to hell' lost. I don't know if I'm right or wrong in not ever having experienced that emotion. (I don't really feel as if I'm missing out.)

You see - when I was 4 years old I was curious about life and death and started asking dad some questions. 'what happens when we die?' 'who goes to heaven' 'am i going to heaven' and all the rest of it - and in response dad and I prayed and I told Jesus I loved Him, wanted Him in my heart, and though going to heaven was a pretty good idea.

But as I grew older I realized I was still unsure/skeptical/upset about a lot of stuff that I saw in myself and in other 'going to heaven' types. Life is confusing, I had some tough moments occur at a young age that made for years of 'interior' work. Questioning myself, people, the world, God, prayer - wondering about things like cause and effect - do people invite tragedy into their life - or does it just happen ? does anyone really deserve it? does everyone deserve it? and at the same token - do people invite peace and comfort into their life - do they deserve it - does everyone?

Church didn't help - it was either boring or confusing. Things didn't add up - sensation biblical stories that people just couldn't emulate... some did - but they weren't the people on stage speaking... in fact, sometimes they weren't even the people in the pews.

But I was found! I was different and I wanted to believe it! So I got serious and went to the sacred halls of bible school. I found more questions, I found that I was very different from the folks in there, I lost some of my idealism and naivety... it was a couple profs that kept it real that helped me just even stay in the game.

Am I found? Yes. God knows me and I am continually knowing Him. Am I found? Yes. And heaven is just a moment away.

Am I lost? Often. Unexpectedly. Suddenly. But He is with me.

I don't have the answer. I don't hold the key. I know heaven is the ultimate destination, but sometimes it takes me so much time to gain the clarity I need for the next baby step - it's embarassing.

Hmm... and sometimes it all comes so fast it's exhilirating.

'I'm sometimes lost, but I know I'm found, kinda blind - I see through a glass dimly.'